Heidi Montag to Star in New Marvel Comic: THE INCREDIBLE IMPLANTS

Editor’s Note: In case the date-stamp didn’t make it clear, this article was part of GF5’s April Fool’s Day Joke for 2008.

Insiders at Marvel Comics tell us that reality television celebrity and twenty-something musical genius Heidi Montag will continue her quest for world domination by starring in an upcoming comic book entitled The Incredible Implants.

“Joey Q, (Joe Quesada, Marvel’s editor-in-chief), couldn’t be more excited about this idea,” writes our inside source. “He’s running around the office telling people that this has never been done, that Montag’s character is going to be the biggest thing since Dazzler, and certainly a bigger hit than the Jenna Jameson-inspired Shadow Hunter that Virgin Comics is putting out.”

Montag’s superpowers will apparently be derived from her breast implants. They will apparently be laced with adamantium, the same indestructible metal which is bonded to popular Marvel hero Wolverine’s skeleton, and will also, apparently, be bombarded by gamma radiation, the same energy source which brought the Incredible Hulk to life.

“Her boobs are going to act as both armor-plating and as projectile energy weapons,” says our man inside. “This one is going to be a real winner.”

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Dr. McDreamy to guest star on LOST

Editor’s Note: In case the date-stamp didn’t make it clear, this article was part of GF5’s April Fool’s Day Joke for 2008.

Anonymous, inside sources at ABC have confirmed for Geek Force Five that Dr. McDreamy himself, Patrick Dempsey, will guest star on the hit show Lost when it returns on April 24 to finish out its fourth season.

“Dempsey will play the same character he plays on Grey’s Anatomy,” writes our insider. “When Jack Shephard leaves the island as part of the Oceanic Six, Derek Shepherd (Jack’s long-lost brother?!?) will be deposited onto the beach of Lost’s island by the so-called ‘magic box’.”

His first flashback will reportedly center on a summer during his undergraduate days when, during the course of performing his duties as a pizza delivery boy, he provided “special services” to female customers who ordered pies with extra anchovies. If he survives the blockbuster season finale, a follow-up episode in the fifth season would focus on an incident from his high school career. Apparently, back then, he was the one paying for “special services”, having used money that he’d set aside for a telescope to buy the affections of a nubile classmate who’d accidentally spilled wine on her mother’s priceless suede jacket.

“If you loved Nikki and Paulo, you’re going to love him,” writes our source.

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Hannah Montana to Open for Nine Inch Nails

Editor’s Note: In case the date-stamp didn’t make it clear, this article was part of GF5’s April Fool’s Day Joke for 2008.

Last week, Trent Reznor announced that the touring version of his band Nine Inch Nails would reform for a series of North American concerts this summer. What he didn’t announce, Geek Force insiders have learned, is that tweeny-bopper sensation Hannah Montana would be joining the tour as the opening act for select dates.

“The show’s structure will echo that of the NIN-Bowie tour from the early 90s,” writes our insider. “Except it’ll go in reverse. Montana will go on first, then Trent will join her for a song or two—probably singing backup on her new cover of Tori Amos’s “Past the Mission”, from what I hear—and then the whole band will come out and do their thing.”

Our source also reports that a radio show collaborations might be part of the deal. Longtime Nine Inch Nails fanatics will recall that Trent Reznor jammed with tourmate Peter Murphy during a series of stripped-down radio gigs on the last full-scale NIN tour.

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Easing You Into This

Editor’s Note: In case the date-stamp didn’t make it clear, this article was part of GF5’s April Fool’s Day Joke for 2008.

Because the changeover I announced last night was so sudden, I’m going to ease you all into the new format of GeekForceFive.com by spending the day highlighting stories which involve both members of the new Geek Force and the old Geek Force. Stay tuned. The first story of the day involves my old favorite band, Nine Inch Nails, and my new favorite musical act Hannah Montana.

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The New Geek Force Five

Editor’s Note: In case the reference to April 1 didn’t make it clear, this article was part of GF5’s April Fool’s Day Joke for 2008.

This is it, folks. This is the moment that you’ve all been waiting for. Starting tomorrow, April 1, 2008, I am going to finally come clean and be honest with all of you. Starting tomorrow, I’m abandoning all pretense, and I’m going to write about the five things that I really geek out about the most: Hannah Montana, Heidi Montag, Ryan Seacrest, Grey’s Anatomy, and Tyra Banks.

The time to get real is now, folks. It’s right fucking now. If you’re reading this via RSS, please do make sure to stop by the site to see the changes we’ve made. I think you’ll really appreciate the refreshing display of honesty on display.

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